Two Losers Turned Heros
by Veiladae
Summary: Not everyone who rises to the top is born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Jane Shepard and Jeff Moreau may come from very different places, but they are united under the same goal: Stop Saren. As they find, sometimes opposites attract... Over time. ME1 story line. FemShep/Joker. Heavy in dialogue. Rated M for language in dialogue. All other would rate T.
1. New CO

**I do not own the Mass Effect universe. Credit goes to Bioware.**

Joker sits in the pilot's seat of the cockpit pushing buttons and reviewing data. He hears approaching footsteps and turns around: "Commander. Something you need?"

"We weren't properly introduced before," Commander Shepard holds out her hand. Joker takes it and suppresses the desire to yelp at her firm grasp. "I'm Commander Jane Shepard, of course."

"Right," Joker responds. "I'm Joker."

"'Joker?'" Shepard repeats.

Joker rolls his eyes. "Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau."

Shepard looks him over. "I see you're not one for protocol, lieutenant."

Joker returns the lookover. Shepard is tall for a woman. Her high cheek bones are balanced over a somewhat unfemininely prominent jaw. Her dark blonde hair is pulled back into a bun.

"You're observant there, Commander." Joker responds.

Shepard taps her temple a few times and points to him. "Ball caps are not standard issue Alliance uniform. Nor are beards standard Alliance grooming."

"You got me," Joker says, "Good thing Anderson never noticed."

Joker turns his chair back around to face the console, feeling a little annoyed at the disapproving look offered by his new commander and captain of the Normandy.

Shepard changes the subject after a moment. "How is the Normandy performing?"

"She's the best ship in the fleet, if you've got a pilot who can handle her."

Shepard crosses her arms and smirks at him. "And do I?"

Joker sighs deeply. "You did a background check on me, didn't you? Well, let me tell you: I'm not just a good pilot, not even a great one. I'm the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet! Top of my class in flight school. All those commendations in my file? I earned every single one of them. They weren't just given to me as some charity for my disease."

Joker's commanding officer raised her hand to silence him. "Disease? I didn't do a background check. Just making my rounds, getting to know my crew. You're sick?"

The surprised look on her face seems genuine.

"You mean… You mean you didn't know? Aww, crap." Joker shakes his head at his mistake and flies through his well-rehearsed explanation without hardly taking a breath. "I have Vrolik's syndrome: brittle bone disease. The bones in my legs never developed properly. They're basically hollow. Too much force and they'll shatter. One wrong step and crack! Very dramatic! But don't worry. It doesn't affect my ability to fly. You put the Normandy in my hands and I'll make her dance for you. Just don't ask _me_ to dance unless you like the sound of snapping shinbones."

Shepard responds, "Noted."

Joker feels she isn't fully convinced yet, but she will be. They always are... With time. He changes the subject. "Congrats on making Spectre, by the way."

"Thank you," Shepard says. "I remember how you said you don't like Spectres. Hope that won't affect your job, lieutenant."

 _Crap_ , thinks Joker. "I said Specters are trouble and that's why I didn't like Nihlus. I just don't like the idea of someone with that much power and that little accountability. It breeds, well, Sarens. But don't worry, Commander. I trust the Alliance and I trust Anderson. If he thinks you're the right replacement captain then you are, regardless of your spectre status."

"That will work." responds Shepard. "I need your respect and obedience, not your approval."

"Yes, Ma'am." Joker hopes that statement didn't sound as sarcastic out loud as it did in his mind.

Shepard steps back to exit. "I'll leave you to it."

"See ya, Commander."

Joker hits the appropriate buttons to secure the Normandy's course and set her to an overall state of autopilot. He shakes his head to himself as the thinks of his new CO.

 _Damn that woman's intense, and intimidating…_


	2. Tensions

Bioware owns Mass Effect and all of the characters in this story.

"Evening, Lieutenant." Shepard says, entering the cockpit.

Joker jumps at the break in silence.

"I didn't mean to startle you. Mind if I sit here?"

"Co-pilot's seat is all yours, Commander." Joker says. "What's up?"

"I just left the mess hall." Shepard says. "You know dinnertime is nearly over."

"Is it?" Joker asks.

"I never saw you down there." Shepard says.

"Good eye. That's because I wasn't down there."

Shepard ponders a moment. "Not much to see at this velocity. Why don't you set her in autopilot? Take a break and get something to eat."

Joker shook his head. "No way, Commander. I can't just leave my baby alone."

"You know there's a relief pilot, if that's the concern."

"Yeah, he can't fly half as well as I can."

"Undoubtedly. All the more reason to make sure our 'superior' pilot has the respite he needs. We don't need your fancy maneuvering skills during routine transit."

"Thanks." Joker says. "Always an honor to be recognized for what I am."

Shepard smiles. "Great. He's standing by. I'll just…"

Joker turns quickly to catch Shepard as she starts to leave. "Don't, Commander. Let me put it this way: It's a pain in the ass just to get up to take a piss. I don't leave the cockpit often and don't care to."

Shepard eyes him, studying him. "Lieutenant." Her voice betrays her frustration. "You're Alliance. You're in uniform. You're obligation is to just say 'yes, ma'am,' salute, and obey."

"Like your pet Alenko?" Joker scoffs. "Did you cut your dinner date short to come gripe at me for not being like him?"

"Alenko?" Shepard asks, clearly derailed.

"Oh, don't lie." Joker says. "Everyone knows."

Shepard delays in responding. "You're getting off topic, lieutenant. Let _me_ put it this way- I'm not going to allow my headstrong pilot let his pride endanger our mission. Now go get some dinner and rest at least a few hours before I officially pull rank."

Joker groans with frustration and sighs. "Whatever, Commander. Have it your way." He reaches under the control panel to pull out two crutches of antiquated design. He hides them well, symbols of his infirmity. Shepard seems to have been unaware of their presence. Joker places them under his arms and with difficulty raises himself out of the seat. When he reaches a standing position, Joker gives Shepard a death glare from under his visor. His blood boils. He hates seeing the look on her face at seeing his state of being. He hobbles off without looking back.


	3. Noted

"Lieutenant."

"Commander," Joker responds dryly.

They endure an uncomfortable minute before Shepard continues. "I want to talk with you." Another pause. "How are you?"

Joker rolls his eyes. "I'm well-rested. Thanks, mom."

"No, I mean…"

Joker interrupts. "Did I break my shin bone on my way outta here yesterday? It wouldn't affect my flying even if I had."

"I know." Shepard responds. "I'm glad you're okay."

"You know?" Joker eyes her.

Shepard visibly squirms a bit.

"You watched me hobble outta here and went to find Chakwas shortly after, didn't you?"

Shepard breaks eye contact and shrugs. "I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

"What?!" Joker feels his embarrassment turn to anger. "That scene was just another day in a cripple's life. Thanks for making sure it was during peak hours to make sure everyone could get a gander."

Shepard falters. "I didn't… know. Intend for…"

Joker lowers his head. "Good. I can't believe you still don't believe I'm the best damn pilot out there after all you've seen me do at this point."

Shepard waves a hand and shakes her head. "I'm not questioning your skills, in the least, lieutenant. I just wanted to make sure you were taken care of and…"

"I don't need your help." Joker sighs. "Dammit, Shepard. I've had Vrolik's syndrome all my life. I was born with broken bones. I've learned how to deal with it. You think I've make it to this point by having my mom remind me when to eat, sleep, and shit?"

Shepard glares at him. "Listen, smartass. I didn't come here to argue with you. I came to…" Shepard mumbles under her breath: "Fuck… just say it." She faces him but cannot maintain eye contact. "Apologize. I came to apologize."

Joker eyes her.

"Listen." Shepard continues. "I didn't realize just how ba… that you need cru…" Shepard closes her eyes and rubs her temples. "Look. It won't happen again. I know now to trust your unconventional ways. You… You really saved our asses back on Therum."

"Not bad for a cripple, huh?"

"Not bad for any man. I'm glad to be here to fight another day."

"Good deal, Commander." Joker says, then adds. "Just, keep your fights on the battlefield, if you don't mind."

"Noted."


	4. Small Talk

Joker turns around to the sound of footsteps.

"What's up, Commander? Did you need something?"

"How long before we reach Noveria?"

Joker checks the screen. "ETA 12 hours."

Shepard nods and sits in the co-pilot chair.

He turns to her and asks, "What exactly are we expecting to find on Noveria?"

"Geth, at the very least. The Council has received reports that the Geth are interested in Noveria and they want to know why."

"Damn," Joker exclaims. "That doesn't sound good. Those robot bastards are really getting around the galaxy these days."

"Tell me about it," Shepard agrees. "It's a good lead, but it's going to be cold as hell there, too. It's a frozen planet."

Joker makes a face. "Glad I don't have to leave the ship. I hate snow."

Shepard gazes off through the cockpit windows. "Me too," she finally says.

"Well," Joker says. "Everything is good on the Normandy's end. She's fit as a fiddle and in the best hands the Alliance has to offer, aka mine."

Shepard nods. "Good to hear."

"So…" Joker says awkwardly, noting the current time according to the Normandy's clock. "Was there something else you needed? Shouldn't you be resting before the mission or something?"

Shepard crosses her arms over her chest and gives Joker a side glance. "Who's mothering who now?"

Joker starts to protest when he catches a glimpse of her half smile.

"Touche. You're welcome to stay here."

"Kind of you."

A few moments pass. Each weighs more heavily on Joker than the last. He hates silence. It's too awkward.

"So… How many Asari does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Joker asks.

Shepard offers him a thoroughly confused look.

"Just two... the question is: how do you get them in the light bulb to begin with?"

Shepard lets out a half-hearted laugh, clearly more from the surprise of his random joke than the humor of it. Joker laughs to himself more genuinely. "Haha. How indeed…"

"I don't think I'd tell Liara that one." Shepard warns lightheartedly.

"I've got more, if you want to hear them," he offers temptingly.

Shepard shakes her head with a smile. "Fire away."

"Why do Quarians always flee from crime scenes?"

"I give." Shepard responds.

"Because they hate law suits!"

The commander chuckles. "Where do you come up with this crap?"

"Well, as you know, I spend a lot of time up here alone. I find ways to occupy my time. That is one of the G rated things I do. Really, you should knock when you reach the threshold. You know, just to be safe. You've been warned."

Joker's snarky remarks are met with silence. He turns to see her arms still crossed and her eyes closed. He waves a hand before her.

"You still here?"

Shepard nods.

"Should I shut up? Are you crashing here tonight?"

Shepard shrugs, eyes still closed. "I'm just content to take up space somewhere other than my quarters. Let me know if I'm bothering you."

Joker thinks about it. "No. Not at all."

"Good deal. Then keep talking, if you'd like." Shepard yawns audibly and readjusts. "Just don't expect me to answer."

"I can talk." Joker says. "Damn, can I talk. When your legs don't work, you learn to run your mouth instead. At least, that what my mom always told me."

Joker continues talking at an unresponsive Shepard only to find that she's undoubtedly asleep after a few minutes.


	5. Joker

"Back again? So soon?" Joker asks.

Shepard nods as she enters the cockpit. "Hello, to you too." She sits in the co-pilot's chair.

Joker swivels his chair toward her. "Always a pleasure to hang with the C to the O," he says, accenting the letters with his gestures.

Shepard offers a half-hearted smile. "Likewise, flight lieutenant."

He swivels back to face forward. "Man. I can't believe you crashed here the other night. Something wrong with your cabin?"

Shepard shakes her head but offers no explanation.

"Damn, I'd love to have my own personal quarters. What is it? Too spacious?" Joker jests. "Too luxurious?"

"Too fucking quiet," Shepard answers, eyes glued to the window and arms crossed.

"Oh…" Shepard's blunt answer derails him. He grabs his visor and readjusts his cap awkwardly thinking of something to say.

"I'm sorry." Shepard looks at him, eyebrows furrowed. "I completely snapped at you. That was unacceptable."

"It's cool, Commander." Joker says and waves it off. "No hard feelings."

"No. It won't happen again." Shepard shakes her head at herself.

"No really. I know Noveria didn't go well and Liara's all upset about her mom and…" Joker thinks. "And… That shit must be hard on you too."

Shepard shrugs. "We definitely _don't_ need to talk about the mission right now. I get my fill when I'm talking with Alenko, and Williams, and… Huh. I guess damn near everyone else on the ship but yourself."

Joker laughs. Shepard adds, "You know, everyone else is stock military, save the aliens. Alliance soldiers… They salute, they obey, they jump as high as their commanding officer demands. But you…" Shepard suddenly eyes him as though seeing him for the first time. "You wear the uniform but you never _con_ formed. You let your abilities speak for you and to hell with all the rest. You know, I think I finally see the merit in your quirky unconventionality."

"Thank you. I'm touched." Joker replies sarcastically.

"Shut up." Shepard rolls her eyes and punches at his arm. "I mean it well."

"Oww!" Joker flinches.

"Oh, shit!" Shepard jumps to his side, almost frantic. "Did I…?"

"No!" Joker rubs his shoulder. "No, I'm not that delicate… From the waist up. But, damn. What a suckerpunch! Do you know how strong you are?"

Shepard shrugs, her face full of embarrassment and remorse. "Part of the job description, I guess. I really do apologize, lieutenant."

"Hey, the cockpit is the land of nonconformity, remember?" Joker says. "I'd rather you call me 'Joker.'"

"Okay," Shepard offers a weak smile. "I'm sorry, Joker."

"Whatever, drop it already." He says.

"Deal," Shepard retakes her seat. Joker glances at her out of the side of his eye. Somehow her usually sharp face and hard eyes look a little softer right now, even pretty, save for the faint circles under her eyes.


	6. Happenstance

"This should help with the aching, Jeff." Dr. Chakwas rubs Joker's exposed thigh with rubbing alcohol before sticking him with a long needle. Joker flinches slightly, a natural response to the pain.

"Just be careful next time." Dr. Chakwas chides him playfully. "No more running through the halls."

"Aye, aye, Ma'am." Joker plays along. "Not without scissors. Thanks for fixing me up so late in the evening."

His doctor rolls her eyes and smiles. "It's no problem at all. Always a pleasure."

Dr. Chakwas reaches down to help Joker up out of his chair, when the door to the med bay opens to reveal Commander Shepard. Her usually tight bun lays in a disheveled cascade of deep blonde hair on either side of her face. Her eyes look puffy and tired. Joker unintentionally stares. Shepard is always in her pristine uniform, every hair in place, military excellence to the core. Her appearance unsettles him. She enters the med bay with her eyes glued to the floor and looks startled when she lifts them and makes eye contact with the pair.

"Good evening, Commander." Dr. Chakwas offers a warm greeting.

"Dr. Chakwas," Shepard nods. "Flight lieutenant Moreau." She adds and lowers her gaze again.

"Commander." Joker acknowledges. His gaze moves between the two sets of eyes. "I... was just leaving." Crutches in place, he hobbles past a silent Shepard.

When the door slides shut, he can hear the murmur of a resumed conversation. His curiosity and concern get the best of him. He lingers to listen with a sigh.

"How are you, Shepard?" Dr. Chakwas asks.

"Fine." Shepard responds curtly. "I just cannot sleep without… aid."

"I see. Fortunately, I am at liberty to prescribe you more." Joker hears silence, presumably Chakwas grabbing something from a cabinet. "How are you really?" She asks after a minute. "This is the second time this month you've seen me. Your medicine should last longer than that."

"Fill the bottle fuller and it will." Shepard retorts. A scant moment passes before Shepard offers an apology. "I'm sorry, Dr. Chakwas. I didn't mean… I'm just…"

"Tired." The doctor's voice sounds very maternal. "Listen, dear. I will keep helping you in any way I can, however… Medicine can only do so much. How can I put this delicately? You may need more than a _medical_ doctor's help. Perhaps… Someone to talk to?"

"I'm _not_ seeing a fu… a shrink." Shepard flies to an angry response. "No shrinks. End of story. Thank you. Good night."

Foot steps quickly approach the door where Joker continues eavesdropping. _Oh, shit_.

Joker knows he has no time to escape, so he does his best to hide along the wall. The door opens and Shepard leaves in a flurry, fortunately seeming to miss him entirely. He watches her storm off. The door opens again to reveal the doctor. Joker looks at her briefly and then breaks eye contact with an innocent whistle.

"Jeff," Dr. Chakwas approaches him as he begins hobbling away. "Jeff!"

"Oh, Dr. Chakwas…" Joker feigns ignorance. "I didn't see you there."

"Before you run off and pretend you didn't hear anything, I need you to promise to keep this confidential. The Alliance will not allow her to reach a state which would jeopardize the mission and our safety. Don't worry about that. What I do worry about is rumors. Rumors destroy reputations. Destroyed reputations ruin crew loyalty and obedience. You understand the gravity of this?"

Joker gulps and nods.

"And you promise to keep this incident to yourself?"

Joker runs his forefinger and thumb along his lips to "seal" them and mimes the movements of throwing away the key.

"Then promise me one more thing, dear."

"Ma'am?" Joker asks.

"Please continue offering Shepard your friendship." The doctor says. "I think your company has become a more effective treatment than my pills."


	7. Honesty

Joker hears footsteps and without looking back greets Shepard. "Commander, back so soon?"

"Affirmative." Shepard sighs. "This seat's always available when I come up here. You must get lonely."

"Ah," Joker says, "So your trips to the cockpit are for my benefit?"

"Sure." Shepard says. "You're welcome."

"So…" Joker says and stops to think.

"So…" Shepard imitates.

"So…" Joker thinks of Dr. Chakwas and the night before. "So… How are you?" He says finally.

Shepard offers him a questioning look and responds with unusually blatant sarcasm. "Dandy, dandy. Sunshine and candy. How are you?"

Joker chuckles, but then bites his lip. "Look. Commander. I'm… I'm gonna cut to the chase. You don't _seem_ great lately."

Shepard turns her face and shrugs it off. "Just… Under a lot of stress lately as we get closer to finding Saren. I get migraines."

"I know there's more," Joker blurts before he loses the courage to continue the discussion.

Shepard glares at him icily. "Did you talk with Dr. Chakwas?"

Joker averts his gaze. His momentary lapse into silence gives him away. "It's not just the other night. I _have_ seen you in the med bay at other times, times other than post-mission. You frequently visit the cockpit when everyone else has called it a night. And I see how tired you look. I'm not stupid, Shepard, but I am… concerned." He takes a deep breath after having flown through his thoughts so quickly.

Shepard crosses her arms over her chest.

"Dammit, Shepard," Joker furrows his brow. "I'm no good with this mushy, feely crap."

"Good. Then drop it. I came to shoot the shit with my friend, not sit in on a session with my counselor."

Joker shrugs. "Fair enough."

A few moments pass. "Alright. Stop fuming and talk to your 'friend.'" He says.

Shepard turns to look at him. He is smiling under his visor. Her scowl turns into a reciprocating smile. "Dammit, but it's hard to stay angry at you."

"I am the most lovable smartass on this frigate, I agree."

Shepard moves her head up and down in reluctant agreement. "Strange."

"What?"

"You used to annoy the shit out of me, if we're being honest."

Joker laughs. "Apparently we are! Why?"

"I don't know. I guess it's because you never just obey orders. You just keep talking and joking and making smartass comments." Shepard smirks. "And I don't know that you'll ever learn the ability to insert your foot in your mouth when needed."

"It's a skill I've gained over years of practice."

"Well, I'm glad. Visiting you is like a breath of fresh air." Shepard says. "And an easy escape from Alenko."

"Oh, snap." Joker says. "What _is_ going on there? Rumors spread quickly on ships, you know. And if they're not rumors… You've been a naughty girl." He cannot stop himself from laughing at her expense.

Shepard scoffs and buries her face in her hands. "Oh, God. Yes… I've heard the rumors."

Joker eyes her expectantly.

Shepard peers at him through her fingers. "What? You're asking for the details?"

Joker shrugs, moving his hands up and down as though weighing the consequences.

"What the fuck?!" Shepard reaches out to punch his arm, but stops herself. "Oh, shit! I almost… Again... I'm so sorry."

"Yikes!" Joker raises his arms in a surrender posture. "Pretend there is an impenetrable force field here. I'm a boy in a bubble."

"Right. I'm sorry, Joker. I just… It's habit, I guess. Soldiers piss around and mess with each other all the time. I guess old habits break hard. Being the commanding officer definitely has its drawbacks. I miss cutting up with people."

"Hmph." Joker says. "That's funny. I never would have imagined you saying that when I first met you."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Hell, yeah!" Joker responds. "You say I annoyed the shit out of you. Well, you _scared_ the shit out of me. You used to be so intense."

Shepard laughs. Her smile is genuine and reveals straight white teeth. Her tired eyes light up and Joker realizes she really is quite pretty when she smiles.

Joker continues, "Whatever you did to work that stick out of your ass, you need to tell Garrus, so he can do the same."

Shepard nods and laughs again. "Noted," She says.

"'Noted,'" Joker repeats. "That's your commander-speak."

She smiles half-heartedly. "I'm guess I was unaware of my commander-isms."

"I'm here if you ever need perspective."

"Glad to hear it." Shepard muses. "I don't scare you anymore, do I?"

Joker shakes his head. "Only when you're lifting your fist to pulverize me."

"Hmm… I'll work on that."

The two exchange smiles which linger a few moments longer than Joker is normally comfortable with.


	8. Rumors

"Do mine ears deceive me?" Joker wonders aloud. "Is that mine Commander?"

"Yes," Shepard says as she enters. "How do you always know it's me?"

"Your walk." Joker answers. "It's clompy." He imitates the gait with his feet.

"Thanks, smartass." Joker hears Shepard's voice behind his seat. "I brought you dinner."

"Oh." Joker says as a tray is set before him. "Actually, thanks."

"No problem. It was actually rather decent tonight."

Joker takes stock of his dinner tray. "Meat something with gloop something and green something."

"Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, and peas." Shepard corrects. "Or at least, as close as a rehydrated meal can simulate."

Joker shoves a fork under the mashed potatoes and takes a bite. "Not bad, indeed." He looks over. "You already ate in the mess hall?"

"Yeah." Shepard replies. "I ate with Ash. She's actually pretty cool when you get to know her."

Joker asks, "Does she know you stole an extra meal for me?"

Shepard shrugs. "I didn't really explain myself…"

Joker laughs. "But everyone can see you walking toward the cockpit. Careful, or you could start new rumors."

Shepard rolls her eyes. "Everything I do is under constant scrutiny. I guess people will believe what they want to believe."

"That… Wouldn't bother you?" Joker arches his eyebrow and looks at Shepard questioningly.

"'That?' What?" She asks.

"You know. You were super pissed about the Kaiden rumors."

Shepard sighs heavily, almost a groan. "Yeah. That was annoying."

"Why?" Joker inquires. "You know… You never actually told me whether or not those were just rumors."

"Oh, fuck yeah, they were." Shepard answers almost too quickly. "We were never an item, despite what Kaiden led on."

Joker laughs and stuffs his face with more steak. He didn't realize how hungry he had been, nor how badly he needed a place to avert his attention as he inquired. "So… What's the real story? According to Shepard?"

"Nothing." Shepard explains visibly frustrated. "Seriously, nothing. There's no story. You remember how I went around and introduced myself to my crew after I became spectre and Anderson stepped down and promoted me to the Normandy's CO?"

Joker nods.

"Well, apparently for Kaiden that was the first time I expressed my burning love for him, and every asinine conversation to follow. Damn, he thinks like a girl. And gossips like one, too."

Joker chuckles.

Shepard sighs. "He's valuable on the field, though. His biotic powers are legit."

Joker nods over his tray as he listens.

"We really do have a kick ass team." Shepard muses. "Including you, Joker." She offers him a warm smile.

Joker smiles back. "I told you I was an arrogant bastard for good reason."

Shepard nods. "That you did. You've proven yourself over and over again in the heat of battle. You're an excellent pilot… and a great friend."

Joker feels his stomach flip. Shepard looks over at his tray. "See? It was pretty good."

Joker finishes off the last bite. "Not bad, at least."

"So…" Shepard says. "We're en route to Virmire. What is our ETA?"

Joker looks at the screen. "14 hours remain. Plenty of time to catch some shut eye."

"Yeah." Shepard remains unmoving. "It is."

"I can be quiet, if you want to crash here again." Joker offers.

Shepard squirms a little. "I don't want to be a burden."

"You know the shit I do when I'm alone and bored." He lets out a laugh. "Hell, you're probably saving me from myself just by being here."

She smiles at his assessment. "Well, you tell me to get the fuck outta here the minute I overstay my welcome."

"Not a moment later." Joker says.

Shepard adjusts in her seat. Her heavy eyelids close immediately and within minutes Joker hears the heavy breathing of someone deep asleep. He sets the Normandy to autopilot and gets comfortable. He peers at Shepard through a side glance to his right. He watches her sleep until his own eyes get heavy and shut. He barely notices footsteps approaching. They are the unmistakable gait of Kaiden Alenko. Joker listens as the footsteps linger for just a moment and then fade away, back where they came from. In his drowsy state, Joker smiles to himself. He won't mind the inevitable rumors, nor should they come true.


	9. Virmire

Joker sits at the helm, waiting anxiously for Shepard to radio in. Virmire had proven to be a very tumultuous mission. The Salarian reconnaissance team that was supposed to have information about Saren certainly did. The Salarian in charge of the team, Captain Kirrahe, had told them that Saren was breeding a Krogan army, that he had found a cure for the genophage. When the decision was made to destroy Saren's base along with the Krogan and the cure, Wrex was infuriated. Somehow Shepard had talked him into cooperating with her and following through with the mission.

Joker had surmised this much via spotty radio chatter. He had been commanded to stay out of range of the AA guns. Virmire is crawling with geth and when he tunes into the radio feeds he hears the chaos of guns firing, Shepard's voice commanding her subordinates through various tasks. He turns off the feed. The anxiety is killing him. Joker sits and waits for Shepard's command in full alert, constantly checking the gauges, eyes moving from screen to screen. He adjusts and readjusts his ballcap. His fingers drum nervously along the armrest. He hasn't seen the team since the initial drop off.

Shepard finally radios in: "Joker, we're ready."

"Right away, Commander." Joker immediately engages the Normandy. The ship gains altitude and speed quickly.

"Commander, I'm bringing us in."Joker says over comms. "I'll get us as close to the site as I can."

"You know where to find us." Shepard responds.

He maneuvers the vessel agily. Adrenaline has always been a force that clears his head and steadies his hand. He descends into the middle of the base, where the crew awaits.

"You're good. We've got the nuke in place." Shepard informs Joker after a few minutes.

"Roger, Commander. We'll meet you at the rendezvous point."

"Wait." Shepard amends. Silence. "Ash needs your help at the AA tower. They're being overrun by geth. Get them out of there, Joker!"

Joker opens his mouth to comply, but Ashley's voice protests over the line. "No! It's too hot over here!"

"It's okay, Commander." Joker hears Kaiden say. "I need a few minutes to arm the nuke."

"Alright. Joker! Get to the AA tower." Shepard shouts.

"Aye, aye!" He pulls the Normandy back up into the air as quickly as possible. From his vantage point he cannot see the ensuing battle. His gauges reveal the heat of explosions and the movement of both organic and nonorganic life. His heart races.

"Joker," Kaiden says after a few minutes, in a defeated tone. "The Commander has informed me to tell you to change course immediately and meet us at the bomb site."

"Uh, roger that." Joker responds. His heart sinks. Something feels wrong. He obeys immediately regardless and within minutes eases the Normandy to the ground. He tunes in to Shepard's feed and hears chaotic screams and the splash of water. Shepard radios him directly, "We're in, Joker. The nuke's live! Go! Go!"

"Aye, aye." He responds as he furiously presses buttons and inputs the data necessary for the Normandy's ascent beyond Virmire's atmosphere and back into space. The sound of fast approaching foot steps doesn't break his concentration.

"Go! Go! Go!" Shepard's hand is quickly on the backrest of his chair. She scans the data feeds. "Shit…" She mutters under breath. "Shit, we're cutting this one close."

"Alright, everybody. Hang on!" Joker shouts over the Normandy's PA system as they break atmo and rocket out into space. The velocity leaves Virmire in their wake almost instantly. Joker quickly reviews the glowing orange screens before him. The gauges read green across the board. He slowly unclenches his teeth. His heart beat steadies.

"We made it." Joker says as realization washes over him. "We made it!"

He turns to face Shepard. Her head is lowered, one hand covering her face. Her other arm lays across her body and props up her elbow. It's not the posture of victory.

"Not all of us." Shepard says sadly. She turns before he can inquire.

 _Shit_ , thinks Joker. _What the hell happened down there?_


	10. Debriefing

Joker sits in the silence of the cockpit, with the comms from the Debriefing Room in his ear. The team is debriefing and he listens in to learn the results of Virmire. Meanwhile, the Normandy essentially idles, albeit drifting at just under 1500 K, moving toward the only relay in the Hoc system.

He hears the sound of Shepard's voice. "Why did you arm the nuke before receiving direct orders?" She sounds furious.

"I had to, Ma'am." Kaiden says. "The mission was in jeopardy."

Joker hears the sounds of Shepard pacing. "We had time, Lieutenant. We could have..."

Garrus interjects. "Commander." He says, his voice carrying its unusual Turian cadence even over comms. "Lieutenant Alenko is right. We barely made it out of there. The geth were surrounding us."

Kaiden adds, "I told you to save Williams."

"I don't take orders from you, Lieutenant!" Shepard barks back. "I should not have had to choose! Soldiers fall in battle. That's fact. But they shouldn't be sacrificed due to someone's insubordination."

Silence follows.

Shepard speaks again, in a much softer tone. "I apologize, Alenko... Vakarian… You're right. You're both right. Saren must be stopped at any cost."

Kaiden is the first speak up. "Thank you, Commander. And… Thank you for saving my life."

Joker's breath catches and his heart sinks at hearing the news. He never knew Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams well, but he knew she was one hell of a soldier. He listens as Liara offers to help Shepard decipher the message from the beacon she found on Saren's base. Liara quickly surmises that the Conduit is on Ilos. Shepard's team debates the pros and cons of visiting the Terminus Systems under the banner of the Alliance and the leadership of a spectre. Shepard has the final word: "We're setting course for the Mu Relay. Everyone should check in with Dr. Chakwas and get some rest. Dismissed."

"Joker." Shepard radios him personally. "Did you get that?"

"Course is set." Joker responds. "We're on our way to Ilos."

"Good." Shepard says. "Inform me the moment we are within range of a comm buoy. I need to report to the Citadel Council."

"There's one available now." Joker says. "Patching it through."

Shepard turns the radio feed off on her end. She has always kept her correspondence with the Council private from her subordinates. Joker tries to clear his mind with music and stumbling around on the extranet. The meeting must not last long because Shepard radios him soon thereafter.

"Joker." She says.

"Ma'am?"

"Ambassador Udina wants us to report back to the Citadel first. The Council's massing a joint species fleet to deal with Saren and his geth. Looks like they're finally listening."

"Took them long enough," Joker agrees.

"Set course for the Citadel. I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet."

"Aye, Aye, Commander."


	11. A Toast

**Chapter updated per reader observation regarding cabin. Thanks for reviewing! :)**

Joker bites his lip. Shepard's trips to the cockpit had become so frequent, her absence was overwhelming. She had not visited him, nor communicated with him in any manner, since she amended their flight course after the talk with the Council. It didn't sit well with him. Swallowing his pride, Joker bends down below the console to pull out his crutches.

He struggles down the length of the hallway, through the CIC, and down the seemingly infinite number of stairs. He pauses mid-stairwell to catch his breath. When he finally reaches the mess hall no one is left. After that arduous journey he should eat dinner, he tells himself, and grabs a mealbar from the cabinet. He unwraps it and takes a bite when he hears the voice of Dr. Chakwas.

"Good evening, Joker." She says kindly. "It's good to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"

Joker offers her a thumbs up and rather sarcastic smile. The mealbar leaves his mouth full of a gritty chocolatesque substance. He decides he should have grabbed water to accompany the bar.

"You look like you've lost something, dear."

Joker shrugs with a guilty look on his face as he chews.

"Or perhaps someone?" Dr. Chakwas smiles.

He swallows hard. _Damn, that woman always knows what I'm thinking._

"Check her quarters. Please. She always closes me off immediately when I ask too many questions." She winks at him and turns around to head back to the Med Bay.

Joker grabs a glass of water and alternates between it and the rest of the mealbar until both are gone. He heads over to Shepard's door. He breathes deeply, cracks his knuckles, adjusts his visor, and approaches close enough to be picked up by the motion sensor. It's unresponsive.

 _Locked. She really wants to be left alone._

He turns to leave, then faces the door again. He changes his mind several times before he realizes he's just pacing and with a heavy sigh quickly knocks on the door before he can think on it another moment.

He hears movement on the other side of the door. It slides open to reveal a downtrodden Shepard. She looks like she did the night they ran into each other in the Med Bay, only this time she looks like she's been crying.

 _Ah, hell._ Joker thinks to himself. _Nope. I'm not the right person for this. Definitely not. I wish I was._ He closes his eyes a moment to gather the strength for a courageous: "Hello."

"Joker." Shepard says. She's visibly embarrassed. She tucks her hair behind her ear and shifts her weight. "Is everything alright?"

He bites his lip. "No."

"Shit." She responds alarmed. "Something's wrong with the Normandy? What's wrong with the Normandy?" 

"Oh!" Joker realizes his mistake. "Nothing. She's great. It's, um... her captain, I think, that's, um... not." He fumbles over the wording as his own thoughts are unclear.

Shepard sighs and rolls her eyes. She turns as if to leave, but then faces forward again, eyes to the ground. "I…" She exhales and shakes her head. "Get your ass in here before I change my mind."

Joker obeys. The door slides closed behind them. Shepard bites her lip and crosses her arms. She stares at the ground below Joker but refuses to make eye contact. The crutches cut into his arms painfully after having spent so much time on foot. He backs up against the wall and removes them from under his arms, leaning them against the wall beside him. He rotates his right arm and massages his armpit. She looks up to watch the motions.

He feels the need to explain. "Stairs," he mutters like a curse word. "Mind if I sit?"

"Oh, yeah. Yes." She gestures toward the seating area. "There really are too many fucking stairs. We need to install ramps next chance we get. Here, let me help you."

 _Well, this is fucking embarrassing._ Joker thinks to himself. "I've got it."

He motions to retake the crutches. Shepard disregards his words and moves to his side. She takes both crutches in one hand and reaches her other around his waist. Together they walk toward the white, padded chairs and she helps him lower into one of the seats. The crutches are leaned against the wall behind him.

"You've gone from punching me to practically carrying me." Joker observes bitterly. "Next you'll be chewing my food for me and wiping my ass."

His comment manages to eek out a half-hearted smile on Shepard's face. She takes a seat across from him. She studies the floor.

"So…" Joker says.

"So…" Shepard says in turn.

"So… So. Ah, hell. We've gone through this before. I just wanted to let you know that, that it must not have been easy down there, choosing to leave Williams behind. I'm sorry…"

Shepard silently stares at the floor for a few moments, then slams her foot down with a frustrated growl. "I'm so fucking pissed at Kaiden. We should never have allowed ourselves to be put into that position. I'm his commanding officer. Really, I'm the one who fucked up."

"Hey, don't do that to yourself, Shepard. You did what you had to." Joker says. "And, I guess, Kaiden did, too."

"Not successfully." Shepard replies. "That bastard Saren escaped."

"But you annihilated his base." Joker reminds her. "And… And _you_ made it back, alive."

"Sure. Yes." Shepard nods. "I guess I'll keep nipping at his heels until I finally get the chance to go in for the kill." Her voices rises with intensity.

Joker laughs. "Damn, Shepard. That son of a bitch better keep running. You're freakin' scary when you're in battle mode."

"'Battle mode.'" She repeats and sighs. "Things _are_ simpler on the battlefield. You have a set mission, clear targets, us vs. them, good vs. bad… As long as you don't have a subordinate fuck things up."

"Well, your 'battle mode' isn't just on the field, you know." Joker says.

"No?" Shepard asks.

"It's like you always have your shields up and your gun ready." Joker muses aloud. "Like… You come visit the cockpit often, but it's always me talking. Damn, you must know everything about me by now, but I don't know anything about you. Not really."

"Hmm…" Shepard processes his words.

An uncomfortable silence distances them.

"I could use a drink. Would you like a drink?" Shepard blurts out suddenly.

"One hundred percent I need a drink right now." He agrees.

Shepard walks to her desk and pulls out the bottom drawer. She returns with a bottle and two shot glasses.

"Whiskey." She explains. "This is the legit shit. Aged in oak casks for well over a decade. Yellow as honey. Smooth as silk. The corn was grown on Earth."  
"Wow." Joker exclaims.

Shepard pours the glasses and hands him one.

"A toast." She says. "To Ash."

"To Ash." Joker says and lifts his glass.

"She was an incredible soldier, brave and loyal. Here's hoping she's in a better place."

Shepard ended her short speech and downed the alcohol. Joker coughed and shook his head after taking his. She laughed.

"Another?"

"Hit me."


	12. Name

Joker happily lounges in his chair, or more accurately melts into it. The alcohol has numbed his limbs sufficiently enough to render walking a danger for him. He is in no hurry to leave, but regardless, when Shepard offers him another drink, he requests water instead. He has learned his limits over the years through painful trial and error. She returns from the desk with only one glass of wine. Shepard hands him his water. She curls up comfortably on her chair, takes a sip of wine, and looks at Joker with a blissfully inebriated smile. The infusion of alcohol in their veins had loosened their tongues and encouraged conversation beyond their normal levels of comfort.

"You know..." Shepard says. " You said I must know everything about you by now. I definitely don't. You may talk your ass off, but you're like a politician. You can talk for an hour without really saying anything meaningful. Funny, yes. Meaningful, not so much. I don't really know anything about you either, the person. The 'Joker' behind the 'Flight Lieutenant.'"

"What burning questions do you have about your kickass pilot?"

"Well... why _do_ they call you 'Joker?' Where did your nickname come from?"

"Flight school," Joker explains. "One of the instructors used to bug me about never smiling. She started calling me 'Joker.' And… It stuck."

Shepard frowns slightly. "Why didn't you ever smile?"

"I was too damn busy working my ass off. I had to. It was an uphill battle considering my stupid disease." Joker's brow furrows at the memory. "A lot of my asshole classmates told me to give up and spend my tuition money tricking out a custom wheelchair to use for my inevitable desk job back home on Arcturus Station."

Shepard arks an eyebrow and nods. "Kids can _definitely_ be assholes. I'm sorry to hear they gave you such a hard time."

"That's alright." Joker shrugs off her pity. "By the end of the year, I was the best pilot in the academy. Even better than the instructors and everyone knew it. They all got their asses kicked by the sickly little kid with the creaky legs."

"Hell, yeah, they did." Shepard agrees. "Hmm… That's not the story I expected. 'Joker' suits you."

"Yeah. Better than 'Jeff.' Bleh. I was named after my dad, so I actually prefer the nickname."

Shepard smiles and watches as her right hand swirls around the plum-colored liquid in her glass. She looks contemplative.

"What about you?" Joker motions with his head toward her direction. "Commander Jane Shepard. Got any nicknames, embarrassing or otherwise?"

Shepard shakes her head no slowly.

"Jane is too generic to suit you."

"Yeah, I hate 'Jane.'"

"So, surely someone thought of something more fitting to call you along the way, besides 'Jane,' or 'Commander.'"

Shepard shrugs.

"Your silence betrays you." Joker prods. "What is it? Come on. This informal game of Truth goes both ways."

Shepard looks at her glass. "Jane." She spits the name out. "Do you know who named me?"

"Your mom."

"A nurse." Shepard responds.

"Your mom was a nurse?"

"No. My mom was a fucking red sand addict. The nurse was just working that day."

Joker, ever uncomfortable with super sensitive issues and with a slightly alcohol-fuzzy brain, just replies: "Oh…"

Shepard sighs and explains, "My mom was high when she went to the hospital in labor. Somehow being sand-blasted had induced her labor early and in order to save me, they had to perform an emergency c-section, which inadvertently killed her. They said it was a 'miracle' that I survived. No one knows who the fuck my dad is. So, in the absence of family, a nurse just recorded the generic name given to all unidentified or unclaimed females on my birth certificate: Jane. That's the story I was told anyway."

"Son of a bitch. If you didn't have any family, then…"

"I lived in a girls' home run by the state until I got fed up with it, ran away. I enlisted when I was 18."

"Damn, Shepard."

"Yeah… I didn't want to end up a fuck up like everyone around me. I saw a lot of shit, did a lot of shit. The Alliance was my only out from the gang I got tangled up with, the only way I could escape that life." Shepard shakes her head. "Literally, you are the only person wearing Alliance uniform that I've told this to. I decided to completely restart my life when I got accepted. Hell, I used some of my drug money to get veneers for my teeth and allele therapy to change my hair color."

Joker thinks on her words and a slight smile begins to tease his face. "Is it naturally red?"

Shepard gives Joker a sharp glare. "You can put the pieces together in your head, but don't you dare say the name."

"So, you _did_ have a nickname."

"Seriously, don't fucking say it."

"But I can say… 'The sun will come out, tomorrow...'"

Shepard looks flabbergasted, teetering the fine line between standing up to punch him in the face and running away crying. He stops because he knows she's more a fight than flight responder.

"Foot, mouth." Shepard says sharply. "Now is the time, if you still need help figuring that out."

"Hell, Shepard. Lighten up. I won't tell anyone. Your crippled pilot is just singing to you to make you laugh. You can't take shit too seriously if you're going to survive this fucked up journey we call life."

Shepard unclenches her jaw. "At least that's been your life's mantra, it seems."

"Basically." Joker agrees. "I take flying serious. Dead serious. But the rest. Meh. Someone doesn't like my beard? Tough. Doesn't laugh at my jokes? Their loss. I say, just do what you want and don't give a damn what others think."

"You could be right," Shepard concedes.

"Hell, yeah, I'm right. Can you imagine where I might be right now if I listened to those kids back at Academy? Or let Vrolik's dictate my life? I probably _would_ be sitting at that desk job, hating my fucking life, instead of cruising the galaxy, snuffing out the bad guys with my badass commander."

Shepard smiles at Joker in spite of herself. She really can never stay mad at him.

"Looks like we have more in common than a surface glance would reveal." Shepard says. "Two people, dealt a shitty hand of cards, worked their asses off, rose in rank, and are now out saving the galaxy."

Joker smiled back. "You got it, Shepard. Two losers turned heros."


	13. Presidium

Despite catching only a few hours of sleep last night, Joker finds he is reasonably well-rested as the Normandy approaches the Citadel. His night with Shepard had begun with a dreaded conversation but ended pleasantly. After a few hours of drinks and conversation, Shepard told him she was ready to get some sleep before the "bureaucratic timesuck" scheduled for the following day. She had walked him back to her door somewhat unsteadily thanks to her swimming head. She thanked him for "refusing to leave her the hell alone" with a smile. Somehow the usual sarcastic comment that would have followed was replaced by a genuinely reciprocating smile and a "Good night."

Now, sitting at the helm, reflecting over last night's events, he finds his face still carries that same odd smile that won't go away.

"ETA five minutes to the Presidium docks." Joker announces over the PA system.

He has visited the Citadel numerous times, but always finds the massive scale of the Citadel impressive. The five arms splay out from the central, circular axis in an elegant and yet imposing manner. He approaches the central ring, where the Presidium is located.

"This is the SSV Normandy, requesting permission to dock." Joker radios the Presidium spacetraffic control.

"SSV Normandy clear to dock in port number P352." A voice replies. "Welcome to the Presidium."

The Normandy slides easily into her designated port where metallic arms reach out to secure her. The outside terminal connects to the Normandy's exit door and the atmospheric pressures begins to sync.

Joker hears the murmur of voices and the clicks of shoes against the metal flooring. He turns toward the approaching party. Shepard leads the way with Garrus and Kaiden close behind. Clearly Shepard has dressed for the occasion. She has applied make-up and pulled her hair into an unusually elaborate bun. She wears a very diplomatic black tunic and pant combination with white accents. The high collar and long vertical stripe extending down the length of the tunic clothe her long, muscular body in soft curves which contrast immensely compared to her usual armor.

"Joker," Shepard says. "Message Udina and let him know we've arrived."

Joker moves his eyes back up to meet hers and finally loses that smile. "Aye, aye, Ma'am." Her face looks so serious, it's almost stern. She seems to have prepared more than her dress for the game of politics.

Shepard checks her omni-tool. "Gentlemen," Shepard addresses Garrus and Kaiden. "It's only oh seven hundred hours on the ship, but the time stationside is already eleven hundred. It's going to be bustling and we've got a lot of checkpoints to pass." She adds with a sigh. "We'd better get a move on."

Kaiden checks the airlock portal. "It's green. We're good to head out."

"Right behind you." Shepard responds. Her fingers move furiously across her omni-tool's holographic interface.

"I don't expect to be gone long." Shepard addresses Joker. "Keep the Normandy ready for departure to Ilos."

"Aye, aye, Commander." He says.

She walks toward the exit and stops for a moment to look back at her pilot. Her tense mouth breaks into a half smile after looking him over for a few seconds. "Be back in a few." She says and passes through the door.

"See ya…" Joker voices belatedly.


	14. Mess Hall

Before leaving, Shepard had informed the Normandy crew to be ready for a quick departure when she returned, thereby requesting everyone stay shipside. Most take advantage of the couple hour respite after ensuring their normal tasks are complete. Joker checks the Normandy's systems upon arrival at the Presidium, per habit. According to his gauges the lithium heat sinks run a little hotter than usual, but Adams assures him via radio from Engineering that it is a very minor concern and the heat is currently dissipating at an appropriate rate. All in all, his baby is ready, regardless of what awaits them in the Terminus Systems.

Satisfied, Joker decides to made a rare appearance in the mess hall for breakfast. He bends down to grab his crutches, but then thinks better of it. He shakes his head at himself and his hypocrisy. Despite his best efforts and the convincing pep talk he gave Shepard about not caring what others think, Joker still finds walking around the ship during peak hours with his crutches severely humiliating. He opts for an awkward shuffle supported solely by his leg braces instead.

The mess hall is an almost comical mix of humans and aliens with the same degree of diversity on their breakfast plates. The human fare on most plates appears to be rehydrated oatmeal and eggs. Joker fills his tray with the same. He pours a glass of water, but then fears he will spill it on himself on the way to the table. Fortunately, his dilemma is noticed by one of the Normandy's kindest crewmembers.

"Mr. Moreau." Liara says with a smile. "What a pleasure to see our mysterious pilot in the mess hall. Let me help you with this. Would you also like a coffee, as most humans seem to enjoy during the early morning hours?"

"No, thanks." Joker says. As a general rule, Joker never drank any excess fluids to avoid unnecessary trips to the bathroom.

She takes his tray in the hand not holding his glass of water and motions toward the table where Tali sits. "Do join us."

"Okay." He had not expected a saved seat.

The plates before the two girls are empty save a few bites of unidentifiable items. He has lived with and worked with humans predominantly throughout his life, so his knowledge of alien cuisine is limited to knowing that Tali must only eat dextro, whatever that truly means. Liara sets his tray down by her seat.

"What are you doing outside the cockpit? Are you tapping my suit?" Tali asks, a playful lilt in her voice.

"Uh… What?" Joker raises his eyebrows in confusion.

"Oh." Tali says. "It's probably just a Quarian saying."

"I believe the human saying goes: 'Are your ears burning?'" Liara corrects. "We were just talking about you."

"All good things, no doubt." Joker replies.

"Well," Tali lowers her voice a notch. "I spend so much time in Engineering with Adams, I don't see what goes on up here most of the time, but word travels fast even on a human ship."

"Please, do tell." Liara adds. "Is there something between you and the Commander?"

 _Oh, I'm gonna have to eat fast._ Joker thinks to himself.


	15. Lockdown

Joker returns to the helm, remembering another reason why he never ventures out of the cockpit. He knows Liara and Tali mean well. As he is actually a part of the rumors this time he had yet to hear them. He had denied everything, even the things that were true, for Shepard's sake and on account of his own awkwardness.

He breathes a sigh of relief as he slides into his seat at the helm. Shepard would return soon. Until then his full stomach and the quiet cockpit remind him of how little sleep he got last night. He lowers the brim of his ballcap for some shut eye as he waits.

The portal to the airlock turns red, indicating that a decontamination is in progress. Joker hears the ding as the light turns green and the doors slide open. The sound stirs him from his semi-awake state. He lifts the visor of his cap and looks back.

Shepard boards the Normandy flanked by Garrus and Kaiden on either side. She is visibly fuming.

"We can't just sit here while Saren finds the Conduit." Garrus growls.

"The girl's grounded!" Shepard says frustrated. "She's the only the ship with the stealth capabilities to enter the Terminus Systems undetected. What are our options?"

"Wait. What?!" Joker jumps in.

Garrus replies. "That's right. The Council grounded the Normandy until further notice."

"I thought…"

"No." Shepard throws her hands up in the air. "No, the Council isn't on board. They finally see Saren as a threat, but they still refuse to admit the reapers even exist! Udina is concerned over the political ramifications of entering the Terminus Systems. He told us the Council would be handling this problem from now on."

"The hell they will," Garrus remarks.

"Exactly. Seriously. What are our options?" Shepard paces.

"Hell, Commander. You're a spectre so you can…" Joker starts.

"Where have you been, Flight Lieutenant?" Kaiden glares at him angrily. "The Normandy has already been taken offline."

"What…?" Joker sits up straight and checks his console. All of the Normandy's necessary systems such as life support show as operational. A few swift flicks of his wrist upon the holographic interface change nothing about her flight status, however. Sure enough, a circular red holograph indicates that the Normandy will not respond to any internal cues for flight.

"We're sitting ducks unless we can think of something." Shepard says looking over Joker's shoulder.

"Damn, Udina." Joker admits defeat.

Shepard shakes her head and sighs. "You two are dismissed." She says to Garrus and Kaiden. "Thank you for your support throughout that political nightmare. I need to clear my head."

"Yes, Ma'am," Garrus acknowledges and leaves the bridge.

Joker watches over his shoulder as Kaiden lingers.

"We'll figure this out, Commander." He says in a soft voice. "Why don't you lie down?" He glances at Joker briefly, a wild look in his eye. "I know you didn't get much sleep last night."

Shepard's eyes subtly move from Kaiden to Joker and back to Kaiden. "Please." She says. "Take a few hours for yourself. I'll alert you if anything changes."

Kaiden nods in acknowledgement, but his feet seem hesitant to move. "Yes, Ma'am." He finally answers. "You know where to find me… If you need anything."

Shepard waits a few seconds before saying, "Joker. I'll alert you immediately if anything changes with the Normandy's status."

"Yes, Commander." He responds.

She exhales a deep, defeated sigh and retreats down the hallway.


	16. Perspective

**Chapter updated per reader observation regarding the cabin. Thanks for reviewing! :)**

A few hours pass with no word from Shepard. The Normandy's lock down weighs heavily on Joker. There is no job for a pilot on a grounded ship, aside from standard check up and maintenance which was completed ages ago according to his internal clock. He feels immense relief when Shepard finally radios him.

"Joker." She says.

"Commander?" He jumps up at her voice and looks at the circular holographic form. Still red. "The Normandy is still locked down from the helm."

"Yes… Do you have a minute?"

"Oh. Absolutely. I have infinite minutes until I get my baby back."

"Spare a few? I'm in my cabin."

"I'll be right there. Well…" Joker amends. "Give me ten or fifteen minutes to haul my ass there."

Joker shuffles laboriously to Shepard's cabin door to find it open. He walks in to see her sitting at her desk, arms crossed, eyes glued to her monitor. She still wears her diplomatic tunic.

"What's up, Commander?" He asks.

"I need your perspective." Her eyes stay glued to the screen. Her mouth is a thin line. "You're the only person on this entire frigate I feel will be completely truthful with me. Everyone else will just worry if the mission is in jeopardy or fuss over my health or think I'm trying to 'rekindle' a relationship that never existed."

"Um, okay." Joker says. "You can always talk to me. I can't promise I'll respond without a sarcastic comment, but I'm here."

"Tell me, honestly." She asks. "What do you think of all this? Saren, the Reapers… All of it."

Joker furrows his brow. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I've been sitting here trying to think of a way off this damn station, but my mind keeps circling back to… Why?"

"Why?" Joker asks. "Because... If we don't get our asses to Ilos we're all fucked?"

"Do you believe that?" This time she makes eye contact with him, an intense and searching glare.

Joker in turn is dumbfounded. "You... don't?"

She shrugs and drops her gaze. "I don't... know."

"Wait." Joker shakes his head in disbelief. "I don't understand. Why are you doubting your conviction now?"

"Joker, I need your honest opinion. I'm the only one who got hit with… visions… from the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. Then on Virmire... I've shared them with Liara, and she says the Virmire beacon completed the message, but it's still just random images to me. She insists that the Conduit is on Ilos, but how does she know? She's sweet, but also somewhat naive."

"Saren has also seen those visions and believes that, right?"

"Yes… Saren also believes that the Reapers cannot be stopped. That's why he decided to join them. On Virmire he asked me point blank, 'Is submission not preferable to extinction?'"

"No, of course not." Joker says with conviction.

"No?" Shepard questions. "He told me we can save countless lives by simply working with the Reapers. Instead of war, we willingly subjugate ourselves, make ourselves useful. The Reapers may spare our cycle."

"What?!" Joker cries flabbergasted. "You can't possibly be suggesting we give up!"

"Well, have you ever met a fucking a Prothean?" Shepard raises her own voice. "No! They were obliterated in the last cycle. They chose to fight. I don't want that same fate, but… I don't know. You know the Council still doesn't believe Sovereign exists? Look at this message." She motions toward the monitor. "They thank me for 'tenaciously seeking out evidence against Saren as a rogue spectre' and assure me that I have 'seen my task through to fruition' and that the 'Council henceforth shall take a primary role in bringing Saren to justice.'"

Joker moves toward the screen incredulously, needing to see the words for himself.

Shepard continues, "Bureaucratic bullshit, right? They think Saren is the only threat. He and his hitherto-unseen-in-Council-space Geth technology." She sighs deeply. "I'm tired of butting my head against the wall, Joker. But maybe… Maybe there's a reason. Maybe I truly am delusional. Maybe... They're right?"

"No, way!" Joker declares. "Shepard, we believe you and are behind you 100%. Everyone on the Normandy."

"Why?" Shepard's face looks very weary. "Seriously. How do I know the Normandy isn't just one big echo chamber for my delusions? That loyalty is taking precedence over truth?"

Joker stands with his eyes wide with disbelief at her thoughts. "Hell, no, Shepard! That's not happening. Look. You want my opinion, my perspective? I was with you at the beginning. I flew us to Eden Prime where Saren murdered Nihlus and you saw the beacon's visions for the first time. I've been with you every step of the way since then. I _know_ you're right. I think… I think you're not thinking straight. When _was_ the last time you got a full night's rest?"

Shepard hesitates and turns her face away from him. "I don't know," she admits.

"Well, as of right now there's nothing stopping you from catching some sleep. Not while the Normandy is locked."

Shepard bites her lip and thinks a few moments. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't…" Shepard buries her face in her hands suddenly. "I seriously fucking can't. Okay, Joker?"

"Even… with Chakwas' help?"

"No!" Shepard throws her hands down violently and gets up to pace the floor while pouring through her thoughts. "I can fall asleep, but I always have these fucking... nightmares. I don't know what happened. It's like the visions from the beacon fucked with my brain. When I have dreams, or nightmares, they're so vivid. They're so real. And I _always_ remember them. Every damn detail. Like I just experienced it. And I'm talking… The beacon isn't just images. It's like all these emotions tied to it. I don't know how to explain it. I feel... scared, but also that rush of adrenaline like I'm entering the battlefield, but also hopelessness and sorrow, like I'm mourning at my own funeral or something. It's so fucked up. I'll bet none of this makes any sense. Dammit. There's a reason I haven't told anyone all this shit. Now you think I'm crazy." She ceases her pacing and collapses as much as sits onto the edge of her bed.

Joker follows her movements with his eyes. "Not crazy." He says honestly. "Damn, Shepard. I've always wondered how you've managed to hold up after all the crazy shit you've done and seen. You're not a robot. It's only natural that it would weigh on you, I guess."

"Yeah." Shepard covers her face with her hands. "I guess. Having a good reason isn't the same as a remedy."

Joker chews on his lip. "Lay back."

"Excuse me?" She removes her hands to glare at him.

"Lay down." He says. "Let's get your mind off of this shit. You told me your cabin was too fucking quiet once. Well... I'm real good at never shutting the fuck up, so…"

"So…" She watches him take a seat in the desk chair.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm pretty damn worthless with this lockdown, so this gives me something to do."

"So, you're going to… watch me sleep? That's fucking weird."

"You always come to the cockpit to crash. It wouldn't be the first time."

Shepard scoffs and hesitantly lays back stiffly with a scowl on her face.

"Now…" Joker settles into his seat. "Have I ever told you the story about the time I hijacked the Normandy?"

Shepard lifts her head to glare at him, one eyebrow cocked in suspicion. Joker returns a devious smile and begins relating the story of how he essentially forced the Alliance to accept his enlistment by demonstrating his badass flying skills in action. Despite Shepard's genuine interest, she drifts off before she can hear the ending.


	17. Unexpected

Joker rouses from sleep at the sound of a soft chirping from his omni-tool. For a moment he is disoriented. His seat slopes at a strange angle, the lighting is off. He opens his eyes to find the helm's console replaced by a bed. Shepard sleeps on top of the comforter curled up in a ball facing away from him. Joker rubs his eyes and looks at the glowing orange omni-tool on his left arm. There is an incoming video call from Captain Anderson. He gets up as quickly and quietly as possible and moves to stand near her door. He hopes the bit of distance between them will keep Shepard from waking. He presses the holo button to accept the call.

"Joker? Joker, is that you?" Anderson says upon the call's connection.

"Yes." Joker says barely above a whisper. He glances at Shepard, who has not moved.

"Where the hell are you, Joker?"

"Uh…" He doesn't care to answer that question, even from someone he respects as much as Anderson.

"I tried contacting the Normandy, but there was no answer. Why are you not at the helm? Where is your relief pilot? Why are you whispering?"

Joker checks the time shipside to find that it is already seventeen hundred hours. He palms his face in frustration. He didn't originally expect to be in Shepard's quarters for any length of time, let alone four hours. In that time he should have remembered to contact his relief pilot.

"I'm shipside, Captain." Joker says. "What can I do for you?"

"I've been busy, Joker. Damn busy." Anderson explains. "I'm trying to get your asses back in the air, but I keep hitting walls. The Council and Udina have decided to solve the Saren problem with a blockade. They've been writing memos and scheduling meetings with embassies and drafting amendments to current regulations."

"As if that's going to change anything." Joker says in an angry semi-whisper.

"Exactly. I agree. Well, Udina's called it a night. He refuses to answer my calls, but we need to act now!"

"What can we do?"

"I think it's safe to say I've exhausted all… legal avenues. That's all I wish to say via comms. I want to talk with Shepard in person. Tell her to meet me in the Wards, at the nightclub called Flux. I'm headed there now."

"Aye, Aye, Sir."

"Thank you, flight lieutenant."

"And, Sir?"

"Yes, Joker?"

"Whatever the plan is, will you, uh…"

"Son?"

"Just remind her that she's got friends out there beyond the Normandy's walls. She could use a little encouragement."

"Absolutely. Anderson out."

The video screen goes blank as Anderson disconnects. Joker disengages the omni-tool, causing it go dark and disappear again. He looks over at Shepard's still form and bites his lip. She needs the sleep badly, but Saren is actively seeking the Conduit at this very moment. He approaches her bed and watches her sleep as he contemplates how to wake her. He has always had an aversion to physical touch, but for some reason right now he just wants to forget the Conduit and Saren and Anderson and lay next to her. He shakes his head. _That's a stupid idea._

Fearful of his own train of thought, he attempts to rouse her from sleep by calling her name. "Shepard," he says quietly.

He closes the gap between them further. "Shepard," he says louder.

She stirs a little.

"Shepard. Wake up." Joker says.

She rolls from her side onto her back lazily. Her eyes open slowly.

"Shepard." Joker says again in a normal voice.

Her face turns toward the sound. She squints her eyes and studies him, as if trying to figure out who he is. She looks around her and down at her clothes. She touches the hem of the tunic and sits up. Her eyes move toward the clock on her nightstand.

"You're still here." Shepard states almost like a question as she rubs the sleep from her eyes.

"Of course. I, uh… I'm sorry to wake you. Anderson called."

"Oh?"

"He wants to meet you in the Wards. I think he has a plan to unlock the Normandy."

"Oh!" Shepard jumps up to her feet quickly. "Where?"

"Flux. A nightclub." Joker says. "It's twenty-two hundred hours stationside. He's headed there now."

Shepard moves past him quickly to check her face in the mirror and smooth out her hair.

"You look great." _Ah, crap._ Joker swallows hard at the thought he unintentionally vocalized.

She stops to look at him and a smile stretches across her face. "Thank you."

He shrugs.

"And thank you," Shepard adds. "For being such a hard ass. I feel a lot better."

Joker returns her comment with a half-smile.

"Alright." Shepard says. "If Anderson really does plan on getting the Normandy in the air, you better be ready."

"Right. I'll make my way to the cockpit now and stand by."

The pair head to Shepard's door. Before leaving, Shepard smiles at Joker, squeezes his hand, and says, "Wish us luck!" She moves quickly down the hallway and out of his sight. That same silly smile returns to his face, teasing the corners of his mouth, making it harder for him to deny the butterflies in his stomach.


	18. Invitation

Joker doesn't know what Shepard and Anderson had talked about in Flux, or what Anderson had done to unlock the Normandy. All he knows is that after a tense night and some severe law breaking, the girl is back in the black of space where she belongs. Shepard leaves the cockpit after it is clear there is no sign of pursuit. Joker mans the helm, happy to be flying again. She honors his request and rests in her cabin until the light cycle of the Normandy begins again.

The Commander spends the majority of the next day cycle visiting with her crew, quelling fears, boosting morale, and other "commander-y things" according to Joker's understanding from the helm. Shepard's later return to the cockpit is heralded by the clicking of her heels against the flooring in that singular rhythm that Joker has become so used to.

"How did it go?" Joker asks.

"Well, I think." Shepard says. "Everyone feels ready to face this thing head on."

"Great. It's going to take everyone."

"So…" Shepard slumps into the co-pilot's seat. "And it turns out there have been rumors circulating about us."

Joker's face starts to turn red. He'd already forgotten his awkward conversation in the mess hall. Shepard studies him, as though her statement had actually been an accusation and his silence a confession.

"Well… It was news to me." She says. "When I went to go ask Liara how she was, she expressed her… interest… in me."

"You mean… ?"

"Yeah… She wanted to mind meld and then some."

Joker looks toward the ceiling. "How would that go?" He jokes.

"Joker!" Shepard says.

"So… What?" Joker asks. "You gonna go for it?"

Shepard scoffs and rolls her eyes. "I have nothing against aliens, but for a species that claims to have no gender, she sure does have boobs."

Joker laughs. Shepard laughs in spite of herself.

"Poor thing." She says. "Now that we're really en route to Ilos, she's feeling a little scared. She feared that she wouldn't have another chance to express her feelings."

"Ah," Joker says in understanding.

"So… She said she talked with you about it."

Joker shrugs. "It came up while you were meeting with the Council."

"Hmm." Shepard says. "Well, your assurances that we're strictly plutonic gave her the courage to royally embarrass herself. I'm thinking, though, that she may be right."

"About what?"

"We're leaving Council space into hostile territories, up against an enemy that realistically we know little about. Just… A lot of unknowns."

"I'm not worried about it." Joker says firmly. "We have you leading the charge. If anyone can defeat Saren, it's you. I'm behind you, one hundred percent. I'll walk through Hell with you. To the end, if need be."

"Good to know." Shepard nods. "It might take self-sacrifice to win this war, morbid as it sounds."

"Life's too short even under the best of circumstances anyway."

"That's one way of looking at it."

"It's true." Joker says. "Might as well go out a hero."

Shepard mulls it over. "Then we have nothing to lose today if tomorrow's not guaranteed."

"Sounds about right."

"Remember what you said about 'just doing what you want and not giving a damn what others think?'"

"Yup. Wise words from a wise man."

"Well…" Shepard sighs softly. "If Liara had asked me about the rumors, I wouldn't have denied my interest."

Shepard walks over to Joker and completely takes him by surprise by gently taking a seat on his lap, removing his ball cap, and cupping his face in her hands tenderly. His breath catches and he can feel his eyes widen with shock. She looks him in his green eyes and almost whispers, "I've always wanted to see your eyes without the shadow of that damn ball cap."

Joker swallows hard. "And?" She looks down at the lips that had uttered the barely audible word. She brings her lips to meet his as an answer. Her warmth melts away the icy chill that had run up his spine. His heartbeat quickens and he melts into her kiss. The pair sit intertwined until Shepard gently breaks away from his lips. She rests her forehead upon his and says almost breathlessly, "Come to my cabin. Spend the night with me."

Joker's stomach twists into knots. His desires conflict with his fears, but she's almost pleading.

"I'll…" Joker searches for his voice. "I'll tell the relief pilot I'm retiring for the night."

Shepard rises out of his lap carefully and runs her palm against his bearded cheek as she exits the cockpit.


	19. Together

Joker finds the long haul to Shepard's quarters oddly sobering. By the time he reaches her door, he wonders if he just imagined the whole thing, but then again… He reaches up to feel his head. His ball cap is missing.

Shepard's doors slide open invitingly when he approaches close enough. He enters to find that she must not be sharing his reservations. Shepard sits on the foot of the bed comfortably with wine glass in hand.

"Hey," Shepard says with a wide smile. She pats the bed beside her. "Have a seat. I poured you some wine."

Joker notices the glass on the desk.

"Thanks."

She takes his crutches from him while he gets comfortably seated. When she returns, she passes the glass into his now clammy hand. He takes a swig immediately. He instinctively reaches up to adjust his visor, one of his nervous habits, but grasps at air. Shepard laughs lightly and nudges him with her shoulder.

"I like you without the hat." She says.

Joker hints at a smile. He feels oddly naked without his hat, already. He wonders if he shouldn't have come. He downs another swig.

"Joker," Shepard says softly and lays her head on his shoulder. "If… If you are having second thoughts about this, just let me know. No pressure."

"They're not second thoughts." He says. "Nor third. I've had _many_ thoughts about this."

Shepard laughs. "Ah. I see. I must confess the same. Though I think I've had equally as many thoughts about throwing your smartass out the airlock."

This time Joker laughs. "I do seem to have a knack for pissing you off."

"Admittedly, but I can never stay mad at you, damn it."

Joker nods. The two sit in silence, taking sips of wine, when Shepard lifts her hand to his face to gently turn his face toward hers. She looks him in the eyes, then down to survey the rest of his features. His cheeks start to burn from embarrassment and he cannot maintain eye contact.

"I never get the chance to just look at you." She says. "You're very handsome."

Joker scoffs.

"You don't believe me." She states.

Joker shakes his head slowly, then closes his eyes and lets out a single, hollow laugh. "Women don't look at me that way."

"No?"

"No. They see the obvious…" He motions to his legs. "And… That's it."

Shepard places her hand on the middle of his back. "Their loss."

"Okay. It's just… It's been a long time, Shepard. A long, damn time. I mean a looong time."

"So, what? Will I need to show you where everything goes?"

"Well, I've been keeping up by watching vids."

"Ohh… Joker." Shepard lets out a pained laugh and covers her mouth.

"Ah, shit. I just burned myself. Good job."

Shepard shakes her head with a smile.

"Well, what about you?" Joker dares to ask. "You apparently have quite a few admirers on the Normandy alone."

"Hmm… Yeah… I guess I can't say that it's been _that_ long since I last had someone warm my bed. Definitely no one since taking command of the Normandy. No Normandy crew."

Joker hopes she cannot see his relief at learning that.

"But, you know," She continues. "Soldiers are a different breed. We screw around with each other and then screw each other, but it's not… It's just physical. Just meeting a physical need... Usually."

"Hmm…" Joker lets out a hollow laugh. "I can't say the same for me. I've never been with a woman without having to visit a doctor afterward. Stupid Vrolik's."

"Oh." Shepard says as though genuinely surprised by the admission.

"Yeah. So, I'd like to say I could rock your world, but…" He shrugs and offers her a pained smile.

"Look… If all I wanted was someone to fulfill a 'physical need,' I would have invited Kaiden in here ages ago. But, I…" Shepard intertwines her fingers with his. "You mean something to me."

Joker watches her thumb rub the back of his hand. She looks at his face.

"Don't get me wrong!" She adds quickly. "I don't expect anything from you. I just… I want this. You. Tonight." She cups his face with her hands again and guides their lips together for a telling kiss. "We may not have a future to figure out, so let's not worry about it."

"Hmm…" Joker hums and rests his forehead upon hers, eyes closed. "I want this, too. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met."

"That means a lot."

"So," Joker whispers. "This is really happening?"

Shepard kisses him as an answer. She moves her hands from his face to the nape of his neck. Joker moves his hands to the small of Shepard's back. The physical contact ensures him that this is not a dream, no matter how much disbelief he harbors. Her kisses grow longer as her desire begins to mount. She moves her hands down to his chest and pushes him firmly toward the bed. He complies and they lay back together, lips intertwined.


	20. ETA 30

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau. ETA 30 minutes to Mu Relay. This is Sub-Lieutenant Weaver, requesting relief from duty," Joker hears in his earpiece.

Joker stirs.

"Flight Lieutenant?" Repeats the voice.

Joker reaches up, half-asleep, to activate his comms. "Come again?"

"ETA 30 minutes to Mu Relay."

"Ah, crap." Joker mumbles to himself. In a louder voice he acknowledges. "Headed to the helm now."

"Weaver out."

Joker rubs his eyes and looks down to see Shepard's hand upon his chest. His eyes follow up her arm to the peaceful, sleeping face lying beside him, surrounded by a mess of hair. He smiles and pats the hand on his chest.

"Duty calls?" She asks, eyes still closed.

"Always. Weaver just informed me we're 30 minutes from the Mu Relay." He sighs. "I better get up there."

Joker maneuvers to sit up, but Shepard's hand pins him down. She opens her eyes with a playful smile on her lips and kisses him. "Damn mission. I wish we could just stay here."

"Me too."

"Hmm…" Shepard thinks. "You said 30 minutes. That just registered. I need to get my butt in gear, too. The boys will be wondering where I am."

Shepard flies out of bed agily, a flurry of motion. She quickly pulls her undergarments on and searches her armoire for under armor while brushing her hair. Joker pulls his torso up to a seated position and slides his legs to hang over the bed much slower. He stands up slowly.

"How do you feel?" Shepard asks, stopping suddenly to watch his movements.

"I'll survive." Joker stretches his arms while massaging his neck. He takes a few stiff steps. "It was worth it." His smile is pained, but genuine.

She smiles back and hustles over to his side of the bed to pick his garments up off the floor and hand them to him.

"Thanks," he says.

She loops her hair around her fingers and pulls it into that characteristic bun whose assembly process he's never witnessed while on her way to the bathroom. He painstakingly pulls his boxers on. The toilet flushes and Joker can hear the sound of Shepard brushing her teeth. He barely has his pants zipped when she emerges from the bathroom. She already wears her full body under armor suit and takes one last glance in the mirror before saying: "I need to suit up in my armor and check in with Garrus and Wrex. You're welcome to use my quarters to finish getting ready."

"Much obliged." Joker replies, taking a deep breath and pulling his shirt over his head.

"Unless you want help." Shepard says approaching him.

"I can handle it." Joker says. Regardless of the happenings the night before, his bones are always stiff in the mornings.

Shepard pulls his body against hers for another kiss. "It's all business when I exit that door." She says and grabs his buttocks. "Think you can wipe that silly smile off your face and do your job?"

Joker grins wider. "Aye, Aye, Commander."

"Good." She gives him a final kiss before parting. "See you in the cockpit later, Flight Lieutenant."


	21. Ilos

After flying through the dusty haze surrounding the Mu Relay, the sudden jump to the Pangaea Expanse is a jarring difference. Joker immediately checks the sensors and gauges displayed on the helm's console.

"Jump successful, system clear, stealth systems engaged." Joker announces over the PA system. "Board is green for advancement. ETA two hours to Ilos. Updates to follow as needed. Joker out."

Joker does not normally update the entire Normandy crew regarding flight status, but given the unknowns of the Terminus Systems, he feels it best to announce. No one aboard the Normandy has ever flown through the Terminus and tensions are running high. Regardless, Joker finds it surprising that the cockpit slowly fills up as crew members finish their final tasks and enter to hear updates and receive reassurance. Shepard takes up post right behind Joker's chair. They approach Ilos quickly.

"Are you sure Saren's sensors haven't picked us up yet?" Liara asks as they approach Ilos' atmosphere.

"With the stealth systems engaged, they would need a visual to detect us. That's near impossible at these altitudes." Joker reassures her.

"Take us down, Joker." Shepard says. "Lock in on the coordinates."

"Negative, Commander." XO Pressly protests. "Saren's base is surrounded by dense foliage. The closest landing zone's two klicks away."

Garrus' voice enters the conversation behind Joker's seat. "We'll never make it in time. Get us closer."

"We're dropping in the Mako," Shepard says. "We don't need a landing zone."

"Still. The Mako would need at least one hundred meters for a drop," Pressly assesses the data. "The most open terrain near Saren's base I can find for a Mako drop is twenty."

"Twenty meters?!" Kaiden exclaims. "No way can we pull that off. Find a different drop point."

"There is nothing else!" Pressly insists.

"Look, we knew that Saren wasn't going to roll out the red carpet for us." Shepard says. "Joker. You're flying this bird. What do you think?"

Joker checks all of the data he can from his flight instruments. He weighs his knowledge of the situation against his own perceived skill to conclude that: "I can do it. I can drop the Mako in twenty."

Shepard requires no further convincing from him before instructing: "There's our answer. Garrus, Wrex, gear up for the Mako. Everyone else, report to your posts. Joker, drop us at that bastard's front door."

"Aye, Aye, Commander." Joker says.

Shepard reaches down to squeeze his shoulder before rushing out alongside the parade of feet. Joker spares a glance behind him to watch her leave before pulling all of his focus on his immediate task. He must ensure that Shepard's ground team reach the Conduit before the rogue spectre does. The objective is clear, though execution given the current parameters is an almost insurmountable challenge, for the average pilot. Fortunately, Joker is _not_ the average pilot.

Despite the flashing warnings against excessively quick atmospheric entry and a severely steep descent, his hands remain steady and his mind clear. He compartmentalizes that part of his brain that knows the failure to drop the Mako properly risks Shepard's life. He doesn't even give her a second thought until he hears her voice via radio comms confirming that the Mako and her ground team have landed safely and gained a visual on Saren.

"Stand by, Normandy. Shepard out."

The adrenaline subsides as Joker's heartbeat slows. That part of his brain, or perhaps heart, that cares deeply for Shepard finds a voice and suddenly fear overtakes him. He swallows hard as he maneuvers the ship to bank a hard right. "Stand by" during missions generally means a whole lot of waiting. Wait close enough for immediate evacuation, if necessary. Wait without taking enemy fire. Wait and avoid thinking about the what-ifs and worst-case scenarios.

Joker flies around the base's vicinity. He finds a suitable landing zone to station the Normandy that gives them enough distance from the base's armaments.

"Commander." Joker radios. "Normandy has landed. Standing by for further instructions." A minute passes. "Shepard?"

"Read you, Normandy." Shepard responds, panting. "Heavy geth activity." Joker hears two shots fire. "Still seeking entrance point."

"Roger." Joker acknowledges. "Good luck."

"Shepard out." Further shots fire before the comms are disconnected on her end.

Joker exhales and leans back into his seat. His job is done for now. Now it's up to Shepard and the ground team to locate the Conduit and destroy it, or at least prevent Saren from using it. That's assuming Shepard's hypothesis is right and it's a weapon. They are working with few hard facts, the important one being that Saren is working for the Reapers and they plan to use the Conduit against all organics. Joker will be ready to retrieve the ground team _when_ they succeed, he tells himself.


	22. Waiting Game

Despite the fact that many of the Normandy's crewmembers have exited the cockpit to return to their posts, Joker still sits in an over-full cockpit by his standards. Pressly stands watch at a console to Joker's left. He monitors the readings in and near Saren's base. Kaiden paces and grumbles to himself. He occasionally demands to know why Shepard didn't pick him for the ground team. He hovers by the airlock door, presumably in case Shepard changes his mind. Liara consoles him in her sweet, soft voice. Even though Kaiden cannot seem to find a suitable task for himself, Liara certainly knows how to utilize her strengths where needed.

Time passes painstakingly slow for everyone present. The waiting game seems to agitate some, while others simply fall silent. Joker sits at the helm, ready to react the second Shepard contacts them. However, after over two hours of waiting and listening to the commotion die down behind him, Joker's mind drifts elsewhere. It fills with thoughts of Shepard.

 _Shepard pushes his torso down towards the bed, kissing him on the way down. She breaks the kiss to reach up and remove her shirt. Her bare skin, save the black bra, is too tempting. He reaches up to touch either side of her abdomen. She smiles and places her hands upon each of his hands, moving them slowly up to her breasts. Now he's really blushing, or perhaps just flushed from desire. He pulls her back in for further kisses while he unhooks her bra. He tosses it aside haphazardly. Shepard reaches down to tug at his shirt. They part as he pulls it up and over his head, also casting it aside. He carefully guides his shoulders back down upon the bed._

 _Shepard smiles down at his bare chest. She kisses along his collarbone gently while her hands explore the rest. Her mouth returns to his as her right hand trails down, past his navel, towards his buttoned pants. She rests her hand upon him for a moment before working at his belt. Joker suddenly becomes severely self-conscious and turns his head away from her._

 _"_ _Are you okay?" Shepard asks rather breathlessly._

 _Joker refuses to make eye contact. This is the part he has dreaded with every woman he has ever been with._

 _"_ _May I?" Shepard asks, hands upon his belt buckle._

 _Joker closes his eyes and nods. His face burns with shame as Shepard pulls down his pants to reveal his leg braces. The fine metal filaments and tubes hug his leg muscles. They serve as an exoskeleton of sorts in addition to supports, which thankfully is invisible under clothing, but during intimacy... The slight gap between his skin and the metal web are a physical demonstration of his atrophy due to lack of use. Dr. Chakwas constantly reminds him to do his exercises, but he has no private place to do them and they are a pain in the ass anyway, he always tells himself._

 _Shepard runs her fingers along the thin lines of metal. She bends down to kiss his thigh in the gap between his sturdy hip brace and substantial knee brace. Her face reveals no disgust, no condemnation. She smiles at him, at his body, as she looks him over. She tugs his pants over his feet and discards them onto the floor next to the bed. She works her way back up from his ankles, offering gentle kisses on his skin between metal filaments before finally landing at his…_

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau." Pressly says, jarring him back to the present reality.

"Uh…" Joker shakes his head. _Did it get hot in here?_ "Sir?"

"I'm picking up strange readings near the base."

Joker regains his composure and checks his own console. "Well, I'll be damned." Joker says. "Are we in any danger? Or the ground team?"

"I can't know." Pressly sounds worried. "I've never seen this before."

"Shepard to Normandy," Joker finally receives his much anticipated call. "Do you copy, Normandy?"

"Commander?" Joker says, immensely relieved. "Commander, what is your status?"

"We've infiltrated the base. Listen, Joker. It's a long story, but the Conduit isn't a weapon. It's a backdoor to the Citadel, a mini mass relay."

"The Conduit is a mass relay?" Pressly reiterates. "That could explain the strange readings we're picking up."

"Wait. How is that possible?" Joker questions aloud.

"The Citadel is also a mass relay, linking to dark space. Listen, I don't have time to explain everything because Saren is headed to the Conduit right now! We're on his heels. We're taking the Mako through. Message Hackett and update him. Saren is going to open the link to Reaper space. We need reinforcements at the Citadel asap!"

"Holy shit." Joker mutters under his breath. "Aye, Aye, Commander. Be safe out there."

"Noted. Shepard out."

Joker smiles in spite of the situation. _"Noted."_ He thinks. _Shepard's commander-speak. She's in battle mode. That son of a bitch Saren has no idea what he's up against._

Joker initiates the video call with Hackett while watching the signal on the Mako move toward the area near the base putting off the strange readings. His eyes watch the Mako's signal until it suddenly reads as offline. He attempts to radio Shepard but cannot make a connection. A gnawing, unsettling feeling eats at him because that is the same exact reading that he would receive should she and the Mako have been obliterated, but he pushes the thought away. He just needs to trust her, as he's done in countless previous missions prior, many without sparing a second thought. _This time is different, though. She's not just the commander, she's... What?_ Every word that pops into his mind falls flat. _It was likely just one night, idiot. One hell of a night…_

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau." Hackett's visage appears on the screen.

"Admiral." Joker says. "Commander Shepard has instructed me to contact you."

"Of course. What is her status?" Hackett asks.

Joker relays the revelation that the Conduit is actually a mini mass relay linking to the Citadel, and Saren's plan to help the Reapers enter Council space. The old man's hard face hardens further.

"How far are you from the closest relay?" Hackett inquires.

"Two hours, Sir. Give or take."

"I am currently stationed in the Andura Sector with the entire Arcturus Fleet. Return to the Mu Relay and link to our system. We'll stand by for the Normandy and jump to the Widow system together. Shepard's team and the Citadel station will need substantial reinforcements. Currently the ships stationed as part of the blockade against Saren are the Citadel's only real line of defense."

Joker swallows hard and nods. "Aye, Aye, Admiral." He prepares the crewmembers and Normandy for immediate take-off.


	23. Face Off

Joker feels oddly numb during the two hour drift to the relay. The empty co-pilot's seat hovers in his peripheral vision, reminding him of Shepard's absence. The jump is successful and almost instantaneous to the Andura Sector. Hackett's fleet is stationed near the relay. Joker immediately picks up their comm channel and informs Hackett of the Normandy's arrival. Per Hackett's request, the Normandy falls in line with their current ship formation. Together, the fleet approaches the relay, listening to Hackett's count down.

"Hitting the relay in 3… 2… 1…"

The ships glide past the glowing core and… Nothing. The Normandy's sensors and a simple visual from the cockpit windows reveal nothing. The Normandy continues past the mass relay at FTL speeds, the scene unchanged. Joker is disoriented for a moment. He slides his fingers across a glowing orange screen, then presses a few holo buttons to confirm that, indeed, no ship achieved a successful jump. The radio channels fill up with confused chatter.

"What the hell just happened?" Joker demands out loud.

Pressly nears one of the cockpit windows. "How are we still in Andura?"

Hackett updates the fleet. "It appears the relay is non-functional. All ships stand by. I repeat, the relay is non-functional."

"What the fuck…?" Joker mumbles under his breath. The unexpected twists and turns of this mission are wearing on him and he hates acknowledging it. His fingers itch for something to do. He cannot just "stand by" anymore. The communications channel to Widow appears to be closed as well, but he decides to attempt to contact the Citadel directly anyway.

"Normandy to Citadel. Normandy to Citadel. Does anyone copy?"

Silence. _Shit_.

"Citadel control, this is the SSV Normandy of the Alliance. Do you copy?"

Still silence. _Double shit._

Joker pulls his cap off almost violently and pulls at his hair. He groans audibly. _Think. Think. Think. There's gotta be something I can do…_

The console screen monitoring communications with the Citadel suddenly goes green. Communication has been established. Joker's heart stops and he rubs his fingers together nervously before hitting the holo button to send another audio signal.

"Normandy to Citadel. Normandy to Citadel. Anyone there? Do you copy?"

 __"Joker?" A voice says on the other end. _Her voice._

"Commander? Commander Shepard, is that you?"

"I'm here, Joker. Good to hear your voice."

"Oh, thank God!" He breathes out with immense relief.

"I'm here in the Citadel Tower with Wrex and Garrus. We have defeated Saren, but Sovereign still poses a threat. I read your transmission point is not in Widow."

"I'm sitting in the Andura sector with the entire Arcturus fleet. Hackett's orders. We tried to jump, but our relay isn't functioning."

"Saren had closed all of the relays around the Citadel, but I've gained control of the Citadel. I can unlock the relays, but... That could open the link to Reaper space."

Joker hears Wrex's voice. "Sovereign will definitely open the link to Reaper space if he regains control of the Citadel. We don't have enough firepower right now to defeat him. We need the reinforcements."

Garrus' voice joins the discussion. "It's an unnecessary risk. There's got to be a way to stop it from within the Citadel's main control system. We have access to every…"

A distress call interrupts Garrus' suggestion. "This is the Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down forty percent. The Council is on board! I repeat. The Council is on board!"

"Shit," Shepard curses on the other side. "Outside the closed arms of the Citadel, Sovereign's reinforcements are wreaking havoc. Inside it's protected while it tries to regain control. We don't have a choice. We need to open the arms and utilize reinforcements. I'm opening the relays. Joker, the Normandy's main priority should be to save the Ascension."

"Aye, Aye, Commander."

"Relays back online." She declares after a moment. "Go kick ass, Joker."

They jump into Widow and approach the Citadel to find the arms opening and a battle ensuing. Entire starships float in pieces, sections burning. Explosions. Debris. The scene is utter chaos.

"Destiny Ascension. This is the SSV Normandy of the Alliance. We're here to answer your distress call."

"Thank the goddess!" Joker hears an asari cry over the radio link. "We're saved!"

The Normandy and Arcturus ships make quick work of the smaller Reaper reinforcements firing at the Destiny Ascenion. Hackett tells every Alliance ship to now focus on Sovereign, as the arms are sufficiently open, leaving the massive Reaper vulnerable from attack on all sides. The Normandy speeds into the battle, heavy weapons firing.

Radio chatter among the Alliance ships focuses on Sovereign's immense size and formidable shields.

"Sovereign is too strong. We need to pull back!" Joker hears a male pilot declare.

"Negative." Hackett replies in a calm, but determined voice. "This is our only chance. Hit it with everything you have."

Ships circle around the Reaper which deflects the heavy fire with its glowing, blue shields. Sovereign holds on the Citadel Tower, where Joker knows Shepard to be. He banks a hard right to pull the Normandy back around for another rain of destruction when he catches a visual of the sentient Reaper ship. The blue tendrils of light fade in and out until they cease all together. The death grip loosens and the ship's legs fall back one by one.

"Its shields are down!" Joker declares to the Alliance fleet. "Now's our chance!"

The ships unleash a tirade of fire power against Sovereign, who remains defenseless. Dots of light cover its hull, which begins to break apart. Each successive wave breaks the Reaper apart further until finally the hull is breached in several areas. A large explosion sends the pieces flying in all directions. Joker maneuvers the Normandy quickly to avoid being hit. His sensors detect no further threat. Joker hears cheering from behind him.

"Hell, yeah!" Joker shouts. "Normandy to Citadel. Normandy to Citadel. Target eliminated! I repeat, Sovereign has been eliminated!"

The Citadel communication link remains silent.

"Commander." Joker tries again. "Shepard?"

He pulls the Normandy around to regain a visual of the scene through the cockpit window.

"Look!" Liara cries, pointing out the window. "The Tower!"

Joker looks up in time to see a large piece of debris approach the Citadel Tower.

"Shepard!" Joker shouts. "Shepard, get out of there!"

The debris hits, causing further explosions. The Citadel Tower appears to remain intact, but tongues of fire visibly reach out from the puncture wound. All eyes in the cockpit of the Normandy watch the scene in horror.

"Shepard?" Joker whispers. "Shepard!"


	24. Ceremony

"We owe you a great debt, Shepard." The Asari Councilor declares. "You not only saved our lives but the lives of billions across our galaxy from Sovereign and the Reapers."

The Citadel had taken heavy damage during the battle. The Council's headquarters were among those sections destroyed, so the small ceremony unfolds in the common grounds of the Presidium where a small crowd has gathered to watch.

"Your heroic and selfless actions stand as a symbol of everything the Alliance and humanity has to offer." The Salarian Councilor chimes in beside her.

Shepard stands, face stoic, as Captain Anderson to her right nods in agreement. Ambassador Udina stands, hands clasped behind his back on her left.

"Humanity has proven that it is ready to stand and defend the entire galaxy, not just human interests." The Turian Councilor adds. "We are pleased to offer humanity a seat on the Council. After discussing the options, the Council would like to ask Captain Anderson to join our ranks and represent humanity."

"Councilor," Udina steps in. "On behalf of humanity, we are honored to accept this great offer, but are you sure you want a career soldier?"

"It's an inspired choice." Shepard says. "We already have too many politicians."

"I humbly accept." Anderson nods.

"Wonderful." The Asari Councilor says. "The defeat of Saren and Sovereign marks the beginning of a new chapter in galactic history. May we stand united as one."

She declares her last statement with an air of finality. The meager crowd claps and cheers as the Council moves to exit.

"This war is not over yet." Shepard interrupts. "The Reapers are coming and I'll be ready for them when they do."

Her statement is all but ignored. The Council dismisses the assembly and exits without a backwards glance. Shepard's brows are knit together as she watches them leave. Anderson pulls her aside.

"How can they still not see that this isn't over?" Shepard vents.

"Forget them." Anderson waves his hand. "They live for pomp and circumstance, not hard facts and harsh realities. Don't worry. When the political BS gets to be too much I'll give them a swift kick in the pants."

"That's what I like to hear." Shepard offers a slight smile. "That's why I suggested your name when they asked for a recommendation for Councilor."

"Ah," Anderson acknowledges with a smile. "I was wondering."

"Well, Sir. I better head back to the Normandy."

"Not so fast, Commander." Anderson says. "I know you are itching to get back in the game immediately, but you need to take a respite from all of this. Clear you mind on shore leave."

Shepard rolls her eyes, arms crossed.

"Don't mistake this for a suggestion." He places a hand onto each of her shoulders and looks her in the eyes. "I care about you, Shepard. You're like a daughter to me. Don't forget to take care of yourself once in a while."

She nods reservedly.

"Now, I've reserved a shuttle for you and accommodations _off_ the Normandy. A change of scenery will do you good. But don't worry. You won't be alone."

Joker recognizes his cue. He rounds the corner, heart suddenly pounding. He hasn't laid eyes on Shepard since the ground team disembarked onto Ilos. He had slicked back his hair for this occasion and left the ball cap behind. The green civilian-styled button up and dark khakis feel foreign to him, but the woman at the clothing store had ensured him he looked dashing. He holds a bouquet of flowers in one hand and an apologetic shrug in the other. He feels rather silly until Shepard grins.

Anderson seems pleased with himself. "I'm not the oblivious old geezer you think. And forget regs. You're on shore leave. I expect you to don your civilian wear and live like one for a short while. If you're right and this thing is just beginning, you need to be ready. That means more than armor and guns. It also means spending quality time with the people you care about. Now get the hell outta here and don't get into too much trouble."

The Captain shoos them away and winks at the pair before turning back around to follow the Council's steps.

Shepard turns to Joker. She cocks her head to one side, surveying him with that grin still plastered on her face. "I… Umm… What a surprise to see you!" She reaches out to hug him around the neck tightly. Joker reaches around and embraces her in return.

"Congratulations." Joker says. "You did it."

The two part and look into each other's eyes a moment. Joker rather awkwardly pushes the bouquet toward Shepard. She takes the flowers with a "thank you" and smells them. Upon closer inspection she notices a few wilted flowers and several stems missing most of their petals. A tiny card attached to a plastic floral trident boasts a generic printed message with a scrawling handwritten note underneath: "Get well soon. Your badass pilot, Joker."

"Get well soon?" She asks and looks from the flowers to him questioningly.

"Yeah…" He offers a crooked smile. "I had originally purchased them to bring to your hospital room, but… You know… You had a lot of visitors and didn't stay long anyway. Then there were the news crews and the journalist from that Citadel magazine, and then this ceremony, and… I had to wait in line a while."

"Oh, Joker." Shepard pulls him into another embrace. "You should have cut in line! Since when do you follow the rules?"

"I…" He cannot think over the sound of his pounding heart and the smell of her vanilla scented hair. He breathes her in and closes his eyes.

"So, shore leave?" Shepard nearly whispers in his ear. "What's this all about?" She pulls back to look at him. "How did Anderson find out about… us?"

Joker shrugs and grins sheepishly while his heart soars at the mention of an "us." "He called me when the Normandy was locked down. I was in your quarters and… I guess the old man can put two and two together, even before I did. He confronted me after the whole Saren thing… Wanted to know why I hadn't visited you yet and… Well… I don't know. Apparently I'm a terrible liar."

Shepard laughs. "Well, at least we have his blessing, it seems."

"Does seem that way." Joker says. He reaches down to take her hand. "Come on. The shuttle's this way."

The pair move together leisurely, Shepard keeping in pace with Joker.

"You know..." Shepard says. "I never got to hear the end of your story. What happened after you were court-martialed for stealing the Normandy during her scheduled test flight?"

"Actually, Captain Anderson happened. He told the Alliance he wouldn't trust anyone else to pilot her after seeing my flying abilities."

"Smart man," Shepard squeezes his hand.

"I'll second that. He's the one who promoted you to her commanding officer."

They reach the shuttle and Joker opens her door. "We have reservations. Do you like sushi?"

Shepard pulls him into a kiss. "I like you. The rest is irrelevant."

Joker grins a mile wide.

 **The End**


End file.
